Gifts to Help Your Sad Friend Get Their Shit Together

Your friend is in rut. Due to a variety of circumstances which may or may not be under their control, several things are not good. It’s ok! It happens to everyone!

What sucks is that at this point, you can’t really do much about it. I can’t either. I don’t know your friend. But having crawled out of a few sad holes of my own, I offer you this highly subjective and possibly questionable list of stuff your friend might need right now, in order from urgent to celebratory. Let’s get ‘em back on track before the rest of their life implodes. ‘Tis the season!

A Jug of Heavy Duty Odor Cleaner

This kills any scent of mess and despair and is very economical! Fuck this “tidy home, tidy mind” bullshit. They’re not going to feel better just because their kitchen floor is no longer covered with soup puddle and crusty bong water. But they probably don’t feel like cleaning right now and the neighbors are starting to complain about the smell. Scrubadubdub!

Mouse Traps

I’m sure they don’t want to talk about it either. This is where we are now. And even if last Tuesday your friend made eye contact with the mouse eating their delivery food leftovers on top of the trashcan pile, even if your friend named the mouse Robert, even if your friend texted you that you’re never going to believe how smart Robert is, Robert just pushed the bedroom door open all by himself… We all know that Robert has to go. The Jawz mousetraps are very effective. They come in a pack of two in case Robert also has a friend, and you can use solid and liquid bait, which is convenient. Robert will die via a “high tension spring.” Don’t tell your friend.

A Good Umbrella

And now it’s time to go outside! Maybe it’s not time yet. But let’s say it’s time! Get them a solid umbrella. No more bodega/convenience store umbrellas for them! The Repel Easy Touch Umbrella 11.5-Inch DuPont Teflon Travel Umbrella is compact, light, resilient, and it’s got a life time guarantee. What an inspiration. Here’s a fun idea. Don’t buy a black umbrella. Yellow is a good color too.

Desk Stuff to Do Desk Stuff With, Later

It’s time to get some shit done. Make some lists. Get the things on the list done. But first, get some post-its. Notebooks. Organizers. That’s the stuff. I like Poppin specifically because you can literally browse by color. Get a whole desk of stuff in a gentle mint green, an optimistic cobalt or a determined orange. It’s almost like house decorating, so it won’t feel like a pity gift, which it’s absolutely not. These are nice things your friend deserves.

Mood Lighting

Maybe their apartment still needs some work, but the Philips Bloom lights are really sweet. I mean, if you think they need one of those special lights that NY Mag says Ohio’s Nationwide Children’s Hospital uses for light therapy, get one of those. This light has no special happy powers, but just one or three of these guys will spruce up the whole room into a wonderfully multi-hued fun zone. But please, don’t forget to also get them the Philips Hue Bridge that makes the whole setup work, or they’ll spend an hour trying to figure out why their light isn’t working and how that’s their fault.